


The Greatest Stir of All (Is Easy to Achieve)

by heythinkthink



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: A lot of lame innuendos, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Inanimate Objects, M/M, implied food porn or condiment porn?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 19:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16604285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heythinkthink/pseuds/heythinkthink
Summary: The supercalifragilisticexpialidocious condiment of 2018 goes to none other than *ba dum tss*





	The Greatest Stir of All (Is Easy to Achieve)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have any idea if i gave any justice to this prompt but I really enjoyed writing this one. 
> 
> To the prompter and readers, I hope you will have fun reading it. ♡
> 
> To the ever patient mods, thank you so much for your effort, time and patience of course for making this fic fest a success!

Aside from Christmas, December is the most anticipated month of the year for the Condom (Condiment Kingdom). A lot of vloggers will start visiting different restaurants just to have their top list gastropubs in the country for the year 2018 because december is a whole feast and pigging out month. The chefs and condiments across the world will be busier than ever because it’s the season to be spicy... _fa la la la la la la laksa~_

  


Condom is a great place (but actually not a great name for some) that can be found in Chef Jisung’s cozy restaurant called ‘Hankki’. He serves both Korean and Southeast Asian cuisine with a twist. No wonder, almost all the flavorful condiments and spices are residing there happily. However, competition is everywhere in the world and it even applies to condiments. They were living harmoniously together, not until a certain young vlogger _slash_ culinary student named Daehwi (condaehwiments on Stewtube) posted his video about the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious condiment in the world ranking that they saw on Stewtube. On that video, the top two condiments that took the spot were soy sauce and ketchup but Daehwi being mean in a unique manner, decided not to disclose the top one and leave the verdict on his viewers.

 

For people, this video is only trivial and  just for fun but condiments are pretty serious when it comes to top ranking of everything, from top 10 list of best salsa, best pet food, most scary moments of Gordon Ramsey in Masterchef, influential people in the food industry up to the kitchen’s holy grail of the century.

That is why Apple Cider Vinegar with the mother (Yup, a mama’s boy), Sungwoon, who topped various rankings in best salad dressing of the century, 2017’s miracle liquid, best multipurpose condiment in the planet became their Condimentor. He is the one who maintains peace and harmony of the Condom while doing their mission to help their masterchef Jisung at his restaurant.

Another thing about the Condimentor is he’s not a fan of yuletide season and that Stewtube user condaehwiments for making Condom full of tensions since he posted that controversial video about the  supercalifragilisticexpialidocious condiment in the world.

 

December is the busiest and stressful time of the year not because of non stop cooking and preparation of people in the restaurant but because of the never ending banters, and long time tension between the SoySaucers and Catsuppers that may snap every time this month.  

It will be a long month for Sungwoon to deal with the unattended tension and condimental feud between the two.

 

“Minhyun, honey come here for a bit. I need you in me for some reasons” Sungwoon says while soaking himself on the big mug with lukewarm water. Minhyun stares at him with a questionable look. The Condimentor is waiting for the honey to approach him but the latter doesn’t have a reply.

“Ahm, hello? Is there any other 100% honey here in the cupboard?” Sungwoon tries to get the honey’s attention again.

“Sorry, Boss. I’m just making sure if your mom is with you right now?” Sungwoon is slightly appalled because his mom is busy accepting the award of ACV for being the Holy Grail Awardee in London, she doesn’t have anytime for his son.

“Seriously? She doesn’t even video call me on skypesto for almost a year now. Come on, Minhyun. Jisung will need to drink this ACV with honey since he doesn’t want his tummy bloated.” Sungwoon whines.

“Fine, I just want to make sure I’m spending some quality time with the you.” Minhyun smiles as he pours his love juice (read: honey) on Sungwoon, begging for more.

  


(Jisung feels so loved after drinking his morning diet secret.)

  


* * *

 

 

“Seriously, Daniel, you don’t have to make dummy accounts on Stewtube just to flood hate on Catsuppers on Daehwi’s two year old video. Suit yourself being petty, I’m just gonna play cooking mama!” Woojin sighs as he stares at his cupboard-mate who is busy keyboard-smashing and spamming Daehwi’s video on why soy sauce deserves to be on the top 1 and how ketchups are losers because they have confusing spellings.

Daniel ignores Woojin because he is busy constructing different kinds of criticisms on Catsuppers even his the only one commenting on the video using different dummy accounts like soysauce-centric96, allhailsoy, catsulks, cantchup, ketchdown, etc. He has all the time in the world when it comes to expressing his abhorrence towards Kethcups or Catsups whatever the correct spelling is.

“On behalf of the Kikkoman Line, you’re a disgrace to the Soy saucers, Woojin-ah. You’re not even defending our deserved title against Catsuppers. And who still plays cooking mama in this economy?” Daniel says, after posting a total of 20 comments on stewtube.

“Dude, Daehwi is the Korean Dennis the menace. He planned Condom’s civil war when he made that video. Even Jihoon knows about this.”

“Dude, your best friend card is revoked. You’re talking to a ketchup behind my broad, wide back Whoever Kikkoman is, I know he’s disappointed in you.” Daniel can’t believe that his best friend did talk to an enemy.

“You know what, all the salts here in Hankki, even the Pink Himalayan salts in the Himalayas will become confused if they are no longer salty enough because of your existence. You know Jihoon is my cupboardmate before the labelling movement started, right? Stop being petty, you’re not even included in making spaghetti.”. Woojin gives up on Daniel. He just accepts the fact that his best friend's mind is full of pettiness and distorted hatred.

Daniel closes his stewtube and logs in on his Platebook. He is about to stop and calm down when he sees a post from the bane of his existence, archenemy no. 1, and nemesis, Ong Seongwu, one of the Catsuppers under the Heinz Line.

 

 **Ong Seongwu** \- feeling clueless

_Is someone’s having an identity crisis if he’s a salt or? Nvm haters gon hate jellies gon jell? lol_

 

Daniel feels that his ears are turning red and grits his teeth. Sometimes, he’s asking why he’s being like this to Catsuppers. Now he thinks that this is the answer to that question. Catsuppers are jerks and so full of themselves and the perfect example is Ong Seongwu. He stops checking his _saucial Media accounts_ and lays down beside his best friend who is busy playing Cooking Mama.

“I assumed you see someone interesting on platebook.” Woojin says unbothered. He knows every time Daniel reacts this way and the only reason he is reacting this way is no other than, Seoungwu.

At first, he finds Daniel insecure towards Seongwu because his best friend and the latter are rivals in the ’Sauce for Deep Fried Food’ category a year before Stewtube user condaehwiments posted his controversial video that added a whole bottle of fuel to the fire in Jisung’s kitchen. They used to be civil with a little teasing from each other but turned into an awkward tension and serious debate on who is better.

Daniel huffs after hearing the ‘interesting’. He’s definitely far from being interested on what he saw earlier.

 

* * *

 

Sungwoon sends an email blast to all the condiments on their GourMail about their masterchef Jisung’s food exploration in the Philippines next week. According to the email, each condiments will have a representative to be included in Jisung’s ingredients that will be used in his cooking demo for the upcoming ASEAN Food Festival 2018.

Woojin jumps to Daniel who is currently focus on his mobile phone playing a game that is not Cooking Mama. “Holy Guacamole! You win a trip to the beautiful island of Philippines! I’ll cry if its Hawaii but you know I’m happy the condimentor picked you!”

Daniel doesn’t even glance at Woojin but asked what did his best friend say. “What trip? What was that all about”

“How about stop playing GastroPUBg for a while and read the condimentor’s email? And may pack your things up? I bet it’s gonna be the best trip for you! Toodles~”

Daniel quits his game for a while and checks his GourMail. He’s not expecting that this will happen tonight “What the fudge? Is this for real?”  

Woojin laughs annoyingly to the utmost watching Daniel’s misery. “Relishly Real, my friend!” Woojin says before going outside of their cupboard.

 

 **To:** All Condiments of Condom

 **Subject:** (read my email don’t depend on the subject)

 

Listen up Condies~

Jisung will be out of kitchen starting tomorrow for the ASEAN food festival so yey we have few days of vacation but nay for some because Jisung will bring you with him. /sobs/

He said he’s not that comfortable with the taste of the condiments to where he’s going (because the unfamiliarity of the local brands) so might as well bring his own conds (clingy i know) so yeah, deal with it.

The following condiments will need to get ready and go to the assigned cupboard tonight at 7PM because the flight will be at midnight. I assigned you randomly so don’t question my decision.

  * Ketchup - Ong Seongwu
  * Soy Sauce - Kang Daniel
  * Gochujang  -  Kim Jaehwan
  * Hoisin Sauce - Lai Guanlin
  * Fish Sauce - Ten
  * Mirin - Takada Kenta
  * Toasted Sesame Oil - Bae Jinyoung



Any violent reactions? Keep it to yourself. I don’t need ‘em. ;)

Good luck and enjoy your travel! Or try to clear the tension just for once idk  


Warmest Regards,

_The Condimentor ♥_

  


Seongwu laughs after reading the condimentor’s email while imagining the initial reaction of Daniel which is definitely an outcry after knowing that he’s going with him for a culinary trip. He’s fond of Daniel and want to befriend him like what he did to Woojin (but it had to be a secret to Daniel) even before Daehwi posted that very controversial video on Stewtube that resulted a cold war between two condiments for quite some time. Even before Daniel’s anti-ketchup sentiments, they were pretty civil with a little exchanges of jokes (mostly about the real spelling of ketchup) and greetings.  

Almost all the other Soysaucers and Catsuppers are in good terms and laughed it off after a few weeks but only Daniel remains to be so affected and continuously clamors for the real result that Soysauce is the supercalifragilisticexpialidocious condiment in the world. The way Daniel reacts to this issue makes the condimentor thinks that the tension is still in widespread but it’s no longer the case aside from one soy sauce.

“Are you going to end the one-sided tension between you and that soysaucer, huh?” Jihoon says upon entering their cupboard.

Seongwu smiles as he prepares the things he will be needing for their trip. “Nah, I don’t have any problem with him so he’s the one who’ll end his own tension. I’m just you know..spectate on his misery until”

“Until what? Until his hatred miraculously turn into love? Gosh, he’ll reach his expiration date soon without being happy.” Even Jihoon is so fed up with the way Daniel thinks.

Daniel is the most popular soysauce for the Catsuppers but in a hilarious yet negative way because of him being a Kikkoman extremist.  They just learned to ignore the pettiness of Daniel and laugh it all off. They even blocked the video of Daehwi on Stewtube because it was just a nonsensical video to make a condimental war.

“I’ll just try to talk to him even my existence irks him so much. His annoyed face completes my day so I think no matter what happens to this trip I’ll still enjoy it.”

“Whatever, your weird taste for petty things can’t be saved. I hope you really enjoy that trip!” Jihoon just shrugs even if he finds Seongwu weird for being too fond for the petty soysauce.

Seongwu just hopes that after that trip, Daniel will get tired and see him as a friend and not as his nemesis. Come on, it’s almost 2019.

* * *

 

It’s been four hours since the mini turbulences stopped and almost all the condiments were properly shaken up. Seongwu noticed that Daniel tried his best to stay away from him as much as possible because he knew that the soysaucer, Kikkoman extremist couldn’t stand his existence. However, it seemed that fate sided Seongwu because there was an abrupt movement of the check-in baggage where the chosen condiments were placed. Seongwu slides to Daniel and Jaehwan side that makes the latter caught off guard.

 _It’s about time._ Seongwu says to himself.

“Sup, KikkoDan?” Seongwu says after bumping into Daniel because of the sudden movement of the bagage. The soysauce is shocked because of Seongwu’s greetings to him knowing the fact that they are not friends to begin with.

“Err, I was okay earlier, I guess?” Daniel deadpans. Seongwu on the hand, remains unbothered and continues to talk to him.

Jaehwan doesn’t want to get stuck in between the two so he excuses himself to go to Jinyoung since they’re close to each other.

“Oh, because of the sudden movement. I see. How’s your flight? Any jet lag?” Seongwu is up for some small talks and see how long will it take for Daniel to snap.

Daniel looks at him with his ‘are-you-freaking-serious?’ face. “Ahm, because of you, I supposed. Hello? It’s only a four-hour flight and please, I’m not used to have jet lags.”

Seongwu is started to get pumped up seeing how annoyed Daniel is right now. He thinks that he’ll explode in no time. He foresees that it’s either Daniel will snap by punching him on the face or by engaging in the small talk he initiated. Being a not so optimistic condiment, Seongwu expects the former choice.

“Ouch, bro. I didn’t know you’re pretty straightforward even in real life.  Wow, that’s a great skill to have I think? Jet lag-proof? I’m kinda dizzy right now.” Seongwu acts like he’s really dizzy and bumps his shoulder to Daniel’s making the latter flinch.

“Keep distance, dude.” Daniel steps back away from Seongwu. Making Seongwu smile knowing that he’s getting this nervous reaction from Daniel.

“So we’re already in a dude-bro level now huh? I honestly didn’t expect that our development will be this fast.” Daniel suddenly pushes him away that makes Seongwu a little taken aback. At least Daniel didn’t choose to punch him, he said to himself.

Kenta takes a hold of Seongwu’s back while Jaehwan runs back to stop Daniel from hurting Seongwu.

“Keep your caps cool guys, if you don’t want to be detained in here, you better keep your cool. Both of you are no longer baby sachets and in a whole different place. Please be civil.”  Jaehwan says in a serious manner.

Kenta gently drags Seongwu back to their original place on the other side of the condiment storage box. Seongwu’s optimism is still in tact and thinks that maybe this isn’t the perfect time for a truce.

  


(After getting stuck on a  friday-payday Manila traffic, Jisung finally reached his destination,  which is an ancestral house in the suburbs. He has a host family that will let him stay on their home for the rest of the festival. Mr. and Mrs. Dalisay welcomed Jisung warmly together with their only son Lucas who already asked him trivial things like if Nancy from Momoland already had a boyfriend.

The next day, Jisung wakes up earlier so that he can prepare breakfast as a form of  gratitude for being hospitable and for letting him stay for free. He unpacks his cookwares and condiments from his storage box and places them neatly in the kitchen. He is about to start preparing the ingredients when Lucas approaches him.

“Hey, my friend. No need to cook. Leave it on me, bro.” Lucas says in all smile to Jisung.

Jisung tries to convince the man. “But I want to prepare you something as a gift.”   

“No no no, my _chingu_. Just watch me. Okay?”)

  


The whole night after the commotion, Daniel couldn’t sleep and kept on pondering what Jaehwan have said. He realized that maybe Jaehwan was right, he was too much earlier. Seongwu meant no harm and just wanted to lessen the awkwardness for the sake of the other condiments. He may not fully admit it to himself but Daniel knew that he was the jerk in the picture and in front of the other condiments.   

Still feeling guilty, he decided to approach Jaehwan and Jinyoung to apologized. “Sorry for what I did earlier, guys.”

“Don’t mind us, Daniel. It’s fine for us but I think you should save that apology to Seongwu.” Jaehwan answeerd and looked at Seongwu’s direction who was laughing with Kenta, Guanlin and Ten.

 

* * *

 

The Hankki condiments are welcomed by a whole different interior of a kitchen. The cupboards above the sink are only covered with flowery curtains. Different kinds of spatulas, tongs, peelers and graters are just hanged up on the walls of the kitchen. There is also a mini cabinet that looks like a spaceship for the plates, drinking glasses and bowls. The local condiments were placed in a stainless condiment shelf.

They even notice that salty and sour condiments are in demand in this kitchen since they see big curious bottles of soy sauce, vinegar and fish sauce staring at them from the shelf.

Seongwu, on the other hand is a little confused. He knows that ketchup are popular around the world and assumes that he will see even a bottle of ketchup in the shelf but there’s none. He even researched on Wikifeedia what kind of ketchup he could see in the Philippines and got excited when he discovered that a Banana ketchup exist called the UFC Papa Clan.  At first, he’s not affected but he starts hearing other condiments praising Daniel and Ten for being influential in Southeast Asian cuisine and even the Cane Vinegar, which is a relative of their Condimentor.

Daniel glances at Seongwu secretly and notices that the latter is no longer on smiling. He thinks that it is too late to apologize and is already embarrassed not just to himself but to the whole Kikkoman Line but at the same time, there’s a part of his nutritious facts that urges him to do something to cheer the ketchup so he can make it up and start a fresh with Seongwu.

“Maybe ketchups are hiding somewhere behind that curtain up there or they’re being stored inside the refrigerator, you know..to chill?” Seongwu is currently in the middle of instant self-pitty and disappointment for not meeting the Banana ketchup he’s been longing to see when Daniel whispers some encouraging words he doesn’t expect he’ll get from the soy sauce who is allergic to him.

Seongwu doesn’t know how to react because this is the one and only time where Daniel talks first. And this time, Seongwu is the one who flinch because he doesn’t notice that Daniel stands beside him. The ketchup assumes that this is the perfect time for a truce or even more that can end the KikkoDan anti-catsuppers sentiments.

“You think so?” Seongwu asks with a meek smile.

Daniel decides to stop acting touch and smiles back. “Yeah? It’s pretty humid in here so maybe ketchups are good if they’re in a cooler place?”

Seongwu is quite amaze but not surprised because he knows how dedicated Daniel is to research trivial things about ketchups just to validate that Soy sauce is way better.

“Wow, you are too knowledgeable for a soy sauce. I just hope I can meet even one banana ketchup in here.”

“Wait, I thought ketchups are made from tomatoes?”

“Hah! Nope, here in the Philippines, there’s a ketchup that has a banana DNA. Unlike me, they are sweeter. Do you even know that the people here have sweet spaghetti because of these banana ketchups? Pretty cool huh?” Seongwu is too fascinated by the existence of Banana ketchups while Daniel can’t help not to be even more fascinated by Seongwu’s bright and proud smile as he talks about the sweetness of banana ketchups.

“Yeah, I didn’t know that and I didn’t know that just like those banana ketchups, you’re pretty cool too.” There, Daniel finally says it as smooth as possible.

“Wow, did I hear it correctly? Or I was just being pushed too hard last night?”

Daniel’s is crestfallen upon hearing the pushing part from Seongwu. “I’m sorry for what I did last night and the things I did for two years commenting nonsensical and sometime ad hominems on the video against catsupper. I know my actions got of out hand. I just had too much realizations how I became a big salty jerk just because of a 10-minute video last night.”

Seongwu laughs for a while before saying something. “You know what, last night, I’m too scared of the turbulences because I felt that I might break anytime but I am thankful that we had been shaken up  and your ability to think straight  is back. I’ve waited for this peace agreement for a long time. When Jisung placed you beside me in the cart at the grocery, I’ve always want to be friends with you! Do you know that?  I even thought the two Koreas will be unified first before us become even friends.”

“Wow, isn’t it a bit too much? I’m not that close minded you know?” Daniel replies.

“Not that close minded? Hmm, okay whatever sleeps you at night then. So friends?”

“I don’t mind dropping Woojin as my best friend, if you want me to make it up with you for the  two lost years wishing that I’m your friend.”

“Nah, I change my mind. You’re already too full of yourself, KikkoDan” Seongwu jokes. Daniel is the one who bumps him right now.

  
  


(Lucas prepared a typical Filipino breakfast for Jisung and his parents. He fried sunny side up eggs, local fried milkfish, beef tapa and garlic rice. For the condiments, he prepared vinegar with chilli peppers that is perfect for the food he prepared.

Jisung finds it all amazing, the fact that these are all fried but have different tastes. Jisung sets the table in the dining room and places the food Lucas prepared.

When all of them are now complete in the table, Mrs. Dalisay is about to lead the prayer when Lucas excused himself like he forgot to do something in the kitchen.)

 

 

“Wow, have you seen that guys? Vinegar and chilli pepper? My chilli pepper ancestors was crushed in the vinegar? I can’t even…” Jaehwan can’t believe what they just saw.

“Dude, chill? Remember you were also crushed and even turned into a paste? What the kid did to the three chilis was just nothing compared to where you came from okay?” Jinyoung cuts the Gochujang off.

“Aren’t you curious what’s the taste of? Maybe we can ask Sungwoon to give us some of his juice when we go back?” Jaehwan still not giving up with the fusion thing. Good thing the other condiments ignore him so he can shut up.

“Look, the boy is back!” Daniel changes the topic.

 

(Lucas goes directly to the refrigerator and searches for something upon opening the door. After a few seconds of rummaging, he gets an almost empty bottle of ketchup.

“Luh, wala na agad laman? Kakabili ko lang neto.” (Darn, it’s empty already? I just bought this.)

He decides to put it in the trash bin and finds something. Lucas sees Jisung’s condiments in the kitchen so he goes back to the dining room to ask for permission from the chef if he can use the condiments to make his favorite sauce. Jisung gladly let him.

Lucas only plans to use the ketchup because they have plenty of soy sauce but then he is curious what is the taste of Kikkoman soy sauce so he decided to get Jisung’s ketchup and Kikkoman soy sauce. First, he puts a generous amount of ketchup in the saucer and 3 to 4 tablespoons of Kikkoman soy sauce then he stirs it fast until they are mixed properly.

After several stirring in a fast phase, Lucas tastes the tip of the spoon and smiles.

“Wow, Sarap pala neto!” (Wow, it tastes good!). He brings his favorite sauce for the fried milkfish.

 

“Thanks for letting me use your condiments, Jisung! This is perfect for the fish!” Lucas proudly serves the sauce he made to Jisung.)

 

Daniel and Seongwu are still in trance even after what that Lucas kid did to the both of them.

“What the fork was that?” Daniel says as he breathes heavily, still confused what just happened.

“Dude, we were spooned. I still have some blacky sauce in my neck. Yikes!” Seongwu says as he keeps on wiping it on his body.

“Hey! That’s not just a blacky sauce. It’s my soy, a Kikkoman soy. You should say Yum! instead of yikes!” Daniel persuades Seongwu.

Seongwu sees a tiny splatter of ketchup on Daniel’s cheeks that makes him feel good. He doesn’t know if this is all because of too much exhiliration from the great stir but he wants to know what they taste like together. He just let that exhiliration do the talking and walks toward Daniel.

“You know what Daniel, Jaehwan is right.”

“Right about what? Tasting Sungwoon’s juice with gochujang? No thanks, I’d rather taste you.” Daniel says, as he locks his eyes with Seongwu. This time, Seongwu doesn’t flinch.

“I mean the idea of tasting some mixed condiments but not necessarily Sungwoon and Jaehwan. I prefer to taste you since the first time you were put in the cart?” Seongwu admits bravely,  still with the influence of the great Lucas stir.

“Ooh, I thought you only want me to be your friend but it turns out you also want to taste me?”

“Ahm, I’m too stirred to hide it anymore so yeah.” Seongwu says as he wraps his arms around Daniel’s neck. He kisses each part of Daniel’s face that has a spot of ketchup then licks his lips to taste it.

“Oh my glass, you tastes so good? I think it’s because it has a ketchup on it.” There are no traces of ketchup on Daniel’s face as Seongwu already kissed it clean.

Meanwhile, Daniel gently licks the soy sauce on Seongwu’s neck playfully, in a slow twirling movement. “Hmm, you’re too delicious, Seongwu. You tastes so good in me and I taste good in you. I can’t believe it took us two years to realize how perfect we are for each other?”

“Correction, it took you two years to realize. How many times do I have to tell that I wanted you ever since Jisung brought you to the pushcart?”

Daniel regrets every immature things he did to Seongwu but he promised that he will make it up to him and to Catsuppers.

“Fine. We can do the stirring part to ourselves alone you know?  For me to _catch up_?” Daniel winks at Seongwu before they both laugh out loud.  


* * *

 

Little did Seongwu and Daniel know, Jaehwan recorded the whole Lucas Stir from the other side of the kitchen bar. This video will totally make the Condom celebrate new year with a bang with lots of splatter of juices from the two condiments!

  


**To:** The Condimentor

 **Subject:** Eureka!! NC17

 

Boss ACVw/tMom,

 

Please see attached video of success. I advise you to just upload it on foodporn instead of stewtube. ;-)

**everybody say thank u lucas.mp4**   


Sincerely yours (if you want to),

hot n spicy Jjaenie

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
